Midnight Massacre
There I was holding her in my arms. Standing there, the light shined on my shoulders like an interrogation lamp. She was looking right into my eyes, her stare unwavering. She seemed calm now, but very serious. Usually I get her to smile with the utmost ease, but not now. She just looked into my eyes, perhaps wondering why I betrayed her. Why would I cause her so much pain? Perhaps she was contemplating why I broke her trust by torturing her. Holding her down for her beating. Allowing others to take turn in her terror. We all sweet talked her just before we proceeded in terrorizing her. But it was me she was holding accountable. Not them. It was my eyes she was staring at. Trying to see if the monster still lay behind them. Trying to understand why I would hurt her.
-2 1/2 hours earlier -
Jen and I were finally watching the second episode of Deadwood. This is the third time we tried. Having twins will do that. We weren't half way through and over the baby monitor we heard Lilly start to fuss. Usually she falls right back to sleep, but this time I could hear a little different tone to her whining. I went upstairs where she was moaning with discontent. I could see her uncomfort as if she was trying to sleep on a blanket of broken glass. I picked her up. It was like I was holding a heating pad. Her temp was 102 under the arm (must add at least 1 degree). This brought us to pre-panic haze. Memories of loss pushing their way to my chest, giving me Nashua butterflies that sit in my throat. We tried to wait for her doctor to call back, but when she vomited her bottle right back up that was it. Each minute of wait was like 10, so we took off for the E.R.
The calmness of the staff always brings you back to reality. If their not impressed by her state then it can't be all that bad. Then came the tests. Not once have we hurt her. Besides perhaps a slight brush up against a doorway, she has never really had anything done to her, until now! She doesn't understand. Why would we talk so nice and do these things to her. People pulling her arms, holding them down and poking with needles, violating her with a catheter. What kind of maniacs are we? She screamed. My wife cried. She screamed and screamed and screamed, at times so hard her breath was so gone she couldn't breath in. She kept looking at me to make it stop, but I couldn't. I just joined in the massacre. She would look right at me with her screams, begging me to stop this inhumane thrashing. Take these monsters away from her. But I didn't. I just let them do what they wanted to. Let them torture her limb from limb. I tried to explain with reassurance of a near end, but her screams drowned out my words. Her screams, took a piece of me. My "Fathers infallibility" for Lilly was gone.
After the nightmare was over I held her in my arms. She wouldn't take her eyes from mine.
-Next Day-
A late wake for Lilly, she slept to almost 11 a.m. Today she seemed a little different. Perhaps it was because she still had a little fever. Perhaps it was because she was tired from lack of sleep. Or perhaps today, Lilly was a little wiser. The lessons of life don't wait for teenagers or even toddlers. I am so sorry Lilly, I kept them away for as long as I could.
You have no idea what I would have gone through so you could have skipped last night.
-2 1/2 hours earlier -
Jen and I were finally watching the second episode of Deadwood. This is the third time we tried. Having twins will do that. We weren't half way through and over the baby monitor we heard Lilly start to fuss. Usually she falls right back to sleep, but this time I could hear a little different tone to her whining. I went upstairs where she was moaning with discontent. I could see her uncomfort as if she was trying to sleep on a blanket of broken glass. I picked her up. It was like I was holding a heating pad. Her temp was 102 under the arm (must add at least 1 degree). This brought us to pre-panic haze. Memories of loss pushing their way to my chest, giving me Nashua butterflies that sit in my throat. We tried to wait for her doctor to call back, but when she vomited her bottle right back up that was it. Each minute of wait was like 10, so we took off for the E.R.
The calmness of the staff always brings you back to reality. If their not impressed by her state then it can't be all that bad. Then came the tests. Not once have we hurt her. Besides perhaps a slight brush up against a doorway, she has never really had anything done to her, until now! She doesn't understand. Why would we talk so nice and do these things to her. People pulling her arms, holding them down and poking with needles, violating her with a catheter. What kind of maniacs are we? She screamed. My wife cried. She screamed and screamed and screamed, at times so hard her breath was so gone she couldn't breath in. She kept looking at me to make it stop, but I couldn't. I just joined in the massacre. She would look right at me with her screams, begging me to stop this inhumane thrashing. Take these monsters away from her. But I didn't. I just let them do what they wanted to. Let them torture her limb from limb. I tried to explain with reassurance of a near end, but her screams drowned out my words. Her screams, took a piece of me. My "Fathers infallibility" for Lilly was gone.
After the nightmare was over I held her in my arms. She wouldn't take her eyes from mine.
-Next Day-
A late wake for Lilly, she slept to almost 11 a.m. Today she seemed a little different. Perhaps it was because she still had a little fever. Perhaps it was because she was tired from lack of sleep. Or perhaps today, Lilly was a little wiser. The lessons of life don't wait for teenagers or even toddlers. I am so sorry Lilly, I kept them away for as long as I could.
You have no idea what I would have gone through so you could have skipped last night.
posted by Jim Fisher at 9:41 AM
8 Comments:
Dr. James Dobson has told a very similar story when his child had some kind of ear problem. The child was staring at him by way of a mirror as they totured his/her ear.
I firmly believe God has His purposes in suffering. In many ways they can be a blessing. However, on this side of life, we probably think, "He can keep His blessings." A billion years from now we may look back and think, "Why didn't I suffer for Christ more?"
In the end of the situation last night, you may think your child doesn't trust you. The truth is, your child now knows that when life gets rough, "You're the Man!"
God Bless
Oh, poor baby. I had experiences like that with Merry. She had pnemonia and also had an infection that required three days of antibiotic shots. After the first day I had to make Scott and my mom take her for her shots. I couldn't handle the screaming. Oh the pain of being a parent. I hope Lilly feels better soon.
Kendra
In the end of the situation last night, you may think your child doesn't trust you. The truth is, your child now knows that when life gets rough, "You're the Man!"
When most of it was over and I was holding her while she stared at me, Many different thoughts ran through my mind. I do think she understood on some level that I was protecting her. She would not remove her eyes from mine. It was literally ten minutes before she looked away. I think she felt as long as we were staring at each other nothing else bad would happen.
Kendra,
Pnemonia! that must have been rough. That can be very serious, the worry you guys must have had to go along with it. Yikes!
Thankfully it never got too serious. she wasn't hospitalized. But it was hard to watch her struggle with her breathing. She and Kels both have had childhood asthma...it looks like its letting up though, which is wonderful!
Thank God asthma doesn't mean what it used to. Both my wife and oldest daughter have asthma. It is so much more understood now. My wife spent a good deal of her childhood at the ER. Today things would be different.
What a hard, sad event. That day is coming for me, and reading this makes me dread it all the more.
Being a kid is hard, but being a parent is harder.
Excellent writing as usual, evocative and powerful.
Incidentally, I've added this post to my list of all-time favorites.
Thanks for the compliment Forester and adding me to the list. I am very flattered.
Post a Comment
<< Home