Door Step

As I through front doorway, and swing gaze westward
waxing crescent buoyed in mid air, forgoing motions logic
If his shall ponder its creation for moments
And ponder shall call its creator to question
How moons lambent penetrate mines mind eye
that not lay middle in between mine other two eyes
but in ones chest, flowing with breath

If grasp of its logic ones eye should slip
Then created shall believe and breath in His efforts

If grasp of its logic ones eye shall breath in
Then creation not betide and one can exhale
contents of minds eye, his own truth now prevail

This still not explain how the how of moons came
Nor the ponderance of moons logic and its glistening eyes aim

Tsk Tsk

Mark 8:38 Whoever has a feeling of shame because of me and my words in this false and evil generation, the Son of man will have a feeling of shame because of him, when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.

I will have to answer for my lack of proclamation of my beliefs. All around me, at work, with friends, are people who I hold their respect. At work I am their leader. The one they call when they cannot figure it out, and I almost always am able to think past their fallen logic. When complexity cast a wall for their thought, I almost always just walk though it. Sometimes to their amazement. Yet I am afraid and unable to tell them the truth. Jesus will have a feeling of shame when I walk into his fathers kingdom.

Midnight Massacre

There I was holding her in my arms. Standing there, the light shined on my shoulders like an interrogation lamp. She was looking right into my eyes, her stare unwavering. She seemed calm now, but very serious. Usually I get her to smile with the utmost ease, but not now. She just looked into my eyes, perhaps wondering why I betrayed her. Why would I cause her so much pain? Perhaps she was contemplating why I broke her trust by torturing her. Holding her down for her beating. Allowing others to take turn in her terror. We all sweet talked her just before we proceeded in terrorizing her. But it was me she was holding accountable. Not them. It was my eyes she was staring at. Trying to see if the monster still lay behind them. Trying to understand why I would hurt her.

-2 1/2 hours earlier -

Jen and I were finally watching the second episode of Deadwood. This is the third time we tried. Having twins will do that. We weren't half way through and over the baby monitor we heard Lilly start to fuss. Usually she falls right back to sleep, but this time I could hear a little different tone to her whining. I went upstairs where she was moaning with discontent. I could see her uncomfort as if she was trying to sleep on a blanket of broken glass. I picked her up. It was like I was holding a heating pad. Her temp was 102 under the arm (must add at least 1 degree). This brought us to pre-panic haze. Memories of loss pushing their way to my chest, giving me Nashua butterflies that sit in my throat. We tried to wait for her doctor to call back, but when she vomited her bottle right back up that was it. Each minute of wait was like 10, so we took off for the E.R.
The calmness of the staff always brings you back to reality. If their not impressed by her state then it can't be all that bad. Then came the tests. Not once have we hurt her. Besides perhaps a slight brush up against a doorway, she has never really had anything done to her, until now! She doesn't understand. Why would we talk so nice and do these things to her. People pulling her arms, holding them down and poking with needles, violating her with a catheter. What kind of maniacs are we? She screamed. My wife cried. She screamed and screamed and screamed, at times so hard her breath was so gone she couldn't breath in. She kept looking at me to make it stop, but I couldn't. I just joined in the massacre. She would look right at me with her screams, begging me to stop this inhumane thrashing. Take these monsters away from her. But I didn't. I just let them do what they wanted to. Let them torture her limb from limb. I tried to explain with reassurance of a near end, but her screams drowned out my words. Her screams, took a piece of me. My "Fathers infallibility" for Lilly was gone.
After the nightmare was over I held her in my arms. She wouldn't take her eyes from mine.

-Next Day-

A late wake for Lilly, she slept to almost 11 a.m. Today she seemed a little different. Perhaps it was because she still had a little fever. Perhaps it was because she was tired from lack of sleep. Or perhaps today, Lilly was a little wiser. The lessons of life don't wait for teenagers or even toddlers. I am so sorry Lilly, I kept them away for as long as I could.
You have no idea what I would have gone through so you could have skipped last night.

My Morning Poet

3:30 a.m. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust. Their room is darker than the hallway. I can see his profile good enough, his blanket beside him. As I fix his blanket and tuck it under him I can slowly start to see his face. He is smiling at me. Eyes of joy wide open.

"da da da da" and other playful cooing to go along with, comes from is ready face.

"Shhh, you'll wake up your sister" I gently whisper, but his excitement only grows from my response.

The cool clean air of almost ready morning sunshine invigorates him, and is rubbing off on me. You know... that feeling that morning is just about here. The peepers now quiet waiting for the first bird chirp to break the silence. I want to pick him up and start our playful morning ritual, but I've got only 55 minutes till the alarm goes off. Today won't be one of those days submerged in twin happiness. Today is a work day! Fourteen and a half hours without them. One last tuck and I head back to my room and lay back down. I hear him babbling loud and clear through the monitor. He goes on and on for the next 45 minutes. Every word full of cheer and good spirit. He is enjoying his pre-morning time by himself. Trying out new sounds, different volumes, different pitches. Figuring out just what his voice box is capable of. At times it seems as if he is trying to sing. I lay there listening, at times almost chuckling at awkward phrases, at times realizing I am loosing my final minutes of rest. Finally he falls back to sleep. I start to drift off. Just as I am about gone, there goes the alarm clock like a wrong answer on Family Feud, over and over again till I fight my way to the button.

It's Ok Joshua, I'll trade my sleep for your story telling anytime!

Ten Years After

"The actual benefits may be a decade or more away" is the statement of Dr. George Daley of Bostons famed Childrens hospital. It just seems like I've heard that statement before. What is he talking about? One of the most promising medical breakthroughs that will someday cure everything, Embryonic Stem cell research. It just seems like I started hearing that decade thing......hmmmm....... Somewhere around ten years ago. So why is Dr. Daley making this repetitive statement? Because Harvard University is now in the embryonic stem cell business. http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/06/07/harvard.cloning.ap/index.html
I have written a few blogs on my opinion of embryonic stem cell research, so I wont bore you by repeating. One of the points of this post is to show how the federal ban on funding embryonic stem cell research does not prevent the research at all. It just keeps people like me that don't believe it is ethical, from paying for it. Harvard's' research is 100 percent privately funded. I still don't agree with it, but at least I am not footing the bill. So while everyone bashed Bush for not funding the research saying he is holding back the science is nothing more than poppycock. The reason I mock the 10 year thing is because science has proved that a more ethical pursuit of using adult stem cells and cord blood stem cells is much more effective, and science is finding that adult and cord blood stem cells are more pluripotient than once thought. Yet embryonic stem cells make headlines, time and time again, even though they have never, ever, ever, ever, not even once, helped one person in any way. While cord blood stem cells help humans to walk that were once paralyzed. So ten years from now when the promise of embryonic stem cell research is only ten years away, we will perhaps see cord blood stem cells repairing every imaginable part of the body. If only there was a way to make adult and cord blood stem cells a controversial issue, perhaps Harvard wouldn't mind funding more research on them.

Oily Mess

What does Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's death mean? A couple of months ago I watched the movie Munich. After seeing the movie I did a little internet research on the 1972 Olympic assassination incident. I was only one year old at the time so I obviously don't remember any of it. One of the things that was disturbing about Israel's futile attempt to eliminate terrorist leaders was how each leader that the small group hunted down with success, was eventually replaced by someone just as bad if not worse. When I heard of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's death on Thursday, this was the first thing that came to mind. Who will be his replacement? We all know there is a general feeling amongst the public that our efforts in Iraq are indeed futile. Does that mean we stop? Of course not. At the safe house in Baquba where Zarqawi was killed, there were suicide jackets found. So it is obvious what they were up to. There will be Al-queda retaliation to follow for sure. These terrorist do not fear their own death. Now Abu Musab al-Zarqawi will be a martyr and a hero amongst them.
One question that comes to mind is did we bring Zarqawi to Iraq or would he have been there anyway? What you will hear from the liberals is that if we were not in Iraq, then Zarqawi would not be their killing their civilians. So we made him do what he was doing anyway. One thing that was slightly encouraging is that Iraq civilians helped with the intelligence that led to his death. My overall assessment is that Left or Right, Dem or Rep, you need to see that we can't leave Iraq yet. If the terrorist are convincing the American public that we need to get out, think of how fast they will be able to get involved in Iraqi government, and prevent any type of democracy from forming. Leading right back to a terrorist regime no better than Suddams. I hate that we are loosing our solders in Iraq. If you think that our interest there is just Oil, the war has only led to less oil production. There is more at stake here. Even if you feel the president lied to get us there, it doesn't matter. Al-queda is there. We need to be there. Imagine Iraq as a democracy. As the worlds 3rd largest oil producer at 115 billion barrels, think of the society they could have. There are some who say Iraq could have as much as 400 million barrels that is yet untapped. Currently because of the war, Iraq does not even meet its own demand for oil. So the war is not helping American oil supply's at all. If we just walked away and let the insurgents take control, install another dictatorship, they would quickly get the supply back up. But that's not the answer.

Never Forget

I remember before she was pregnant. I would see a cute baby and say "look Jen, isn't she a little cutie". Jen wouldn't reply. The loss of her babies never far from her thoughts. Eventually I learned to just look on my own and not mention it. Only one thing would help her to heal. A baby! it wouldn't take away her pain, but the combination of pain and longing mixed together was more than she could handle and still be happy. I wondered how she would exsist if it never happened. I tried to picture years of waking at 2 a.m. to her tears, with no ability to console her. I felt like praying was useless. If this was Gods plan, what was I to do about it? I felt as if praying was just a futile attempt to change Gods mind. These were dark times, like the never ending rain of our current weather.
Sometimes God gives you exactly what you need. I think I forgot to thank him yesterday for Lillian and Joshua, so perhaps writing it today will make up for it.

Thankyou God

Johnny Cakes anyone?

Yesterday the senate voted against a bill that would prevent gay marriage. Democrats are complaining that this is nothing more than Bush trying to rally his core conservatives during a time of low approval ratings due to the war in Iraq. Perhaps there is some truth to that. On the other side, I am not sure why he would care, its not like he running again. Personally I do think the timing is a little poor, and would rather see his focus on more important issues.
My take on the matter is that government shouldn't make any laws regarding sexual preference whatsoever. Ones sexual preference does not qualify them for minority status. What qualifies someone to be a minority is the ability to be prejudged based on appearance or physical attribute. You cannot discriminate against a homosexual, unless he or she first informs you that they prefer abnormal sexual relationships. Homosexuals are seeking for the population to consider their behavior normal. That's what gay rights is really all about isn't it? Problem is, assigning rights to gays is giving people rights because of their behavior rather than appearance or physical attribute.
One could argue that someone is born gay and has no choice in their behavior. I once asked a homosexual friend of mine if it is indeed a choice or is it something you are born with? His answer was a very sincere "why would I choose this?". His answer came with almost tears after a lengthy conversation of my prying questions. I believe him, and do not accept the idea that it is a chosen desire to be homosexual. Never the less, this is abnormal behavior. It is observed as grotesque and/or immoral by most of the population. Just because one is born with an abnormal desire does not mean it has to be acted upon. We should not have to create laws or special rights for a persons abnormal behavior that most consider immoral. The aim of the left is to submerge the population with homosexuality until we become immune to it and thus accept it as normal. Take for instance, HBO. I watch every single one of HBO's origional series, they are all very good, but every single one has gay characters and they show their behavior in detail even though many times it has nothing to do with the plot or story line. I am not exaggerating, every single one has at least one gay character and they always go off on some tangent to show you their homosexual behavior. Even the Sopranos did their own little version of Broke Back Mt. A big fat Italian Mafia man, calling his lover Johnny Cakes (since he met him in a diner while Johnny was making his pancakes). The gay thing has been beat to death on HBO, yet they keep on doing it. Why? It has nothing to do with the storys they are telling (except for perhaps, 6 Feet Under). The only conclusion is that it is actually part of an agenda.
Why wear it on your sleeve. If you must live a gay lifestyle, why must everyone be involved? why do you need everyone to accept it? Two things I can't stand to see
1. A man on the parade route holding a sign that says "God hates Fags".
If you really are a Christian, act like one!
2. A man marching in a parade because he wants you to see his gay pride.
Why wear it on your sleeve? I am a heterosexual, but am I proud of it? Not so much I though I needed to march and let everyone know.
Websters defines marriage as a union between a man and woman.

Sweet Lilly

I put the bottle of wine down on the counter. Had to rearrange a couple of things to make room for it. "She's probably had a busy day with them" I thought to myself since the kitchen had baby bottles and cerial bowls lying around the counter tops. I removed my cell from belt and plugged it into the charger.
"Da Da.......Da Da" I heard comming from 7 month old Lillian.
"Thats right Lilly, Da Da's home" Jen said.
I went from a tired man who just finished his 14 1/2 hour day to a guy who just won the lottery. She's been saying "Da Da" for almost a month now, but this time was a little different. This sounded as if she was calling out. Instead of "da da da da da" as a means for chatter, it had purpose and meaning. This time she was calling for me.
I walked into the den and there she was in her Jumperoo. That huge smile over came her face. She sprung into action with excitement, bouncing her body in every direction. Made me feel like a million bucks. This was almost as good as the first time she cried when I walked out of the room. Yeah, she'll cry if you put her down and leave the room, but when both Jen and I are sitting on the couch and she cries when just I leave, Wow.